This piece first appeared at The Good Men Project where I get very little traction. For some reason Justin Cascio has faith in me and has become the most unlikely friend I have. They give me space to access a wider audience and cross pollinate with The Huffington Post & Salon, as well as innumerable feminist blogs of, in my opinion, misandrist tendencies. I may or may not write up something on the subject of my poor showing- but let’s face it; the primary problem is my writing.
Bucket of Blood: Old Western slang for a notoriously violent bar or saloon. Still occasionally used in modern times. —UrbanDictionary.com
Bucket of Blood: The kind of bar that has sawdust and vomit on the floor, if you bring your own sawdust.—- John Howard
- Walking across the parking lot, close one eye. This is why pirates wore eye patches. You want some night vision as soon as you get in there. If you can, pause just outside the door with both eyes closed for a bit.
- Scope the exits immediately.
- Dress non-descriptively. If things go south, don’t make it easy for the cops to put out a description: “Neon bike shorts and a cutoff Save The Whales shirt.”
- Piss now. The men’s room is a choke point and ambush site. Figure out how bad it is right away. Can the stall doors be kicked in or out as a sneak attack? Is there a mop you can break the handle off of and use as a weapon?
- Stay away from the games for a while. Challenging the pool table right away is too aggressive.
- Drink like the locals. If it is a bump and a beer joint, go with the flow. Nobody cares about your knowledge of esoteric vodkas; actually they do care and it gives them a pain in the ass.
- Tip the bartender appropriately. He’ll resent it if you try to buy his attention for the rest of the night right away and give you a soapy glass if you suggest you’ll get him next time.
- Stay away from the juke box for a while longer. Nobody cares about your taste in music.
- Stay away from the former Home Coming Queen, period. If she’s still in town there’s a pretty good chance she is with someone or has recently broken up him. If he isn’t there, some of his friends are.
- Just leave when you leave. If there are guys planning on jack rolling you, don’t give them time to execute their grand scheme.