Be A Guy

Ten Things I’ve Learned About Walking into a Bucket of Blood in a Strange Town (and Getting Out Alive)

In Be a Guy, Did You See This?, ReBlog on February 21, 2013 at 6:41 pm

Men gathered for a drink in the Road House Sal...

This piece first appeared at The Good Men Project where I get very little traction. For some reason Justin Cascio has faith in me and has become the most unlikely friend  I have.   They give me space to access a wider audience and cross pollinate with The Huffington Post & Salon, as well as innumerable feminist blogs of, in my opinion, misandrist tendencies.  I may or may not write up something on the subject of my poor showing- but let’s face it; the primary problem is my writing.

Bucket of Blood: Old Western slang for a notoriously violent bar or saloon. Still occasionally used in modern times. —

Bucket of Blood: The kind of bar that has sawdust and vomit on the floor,  if you bring your own sawdust.—- John Howard

  1. Walking across the parking lot, close one eye. This is why pirates wore eye patches. You want some night vision as soon as you get in there. If you can, pause just outside the door with both eyes closed for a bit.
  2. Scope the exits immediately.
  3. Dress non-descriptively. If things go south, don’t make it easy for the cops to put out a description: “Neon bike shorts and a cutoff Save The Whales shirt.”
  4. Piss now. The men’s room is a choke point and ambush site. Figure out how bad it is right away. Can the stall doors be kicked in or out as a sneak attack? Is there a mop you can break the handle off of and use as a weapon?
  5. Stay away from the games for a while. Challenging the pool table right away is too aggressive.
  6. Drink like the locals. If it is a bump and a beer joint, go with the flow. Nobody cares about your knowledge of esoteric vodkas; actually they do care and it gives them a pain in the ass.
  7. Tip the bartender appropriately. He’ll resent it if you try to buy his attention for the rest of the night right away and give you a soapy glass if you suggest you’ll get him next time.
  8. Stay away from the juke box for a while longer. Nobody cares about your taste in music.
  9. Stay away from the former Home Coming Queen, period. If she’s still in town there’s a pretty good chance she is with someone or has recently broken up him. If he isn’t there, some of his friends are.
  10. Just leave when you leave. If there are guys planning on jack rolling you, don’t give them time to execute their grand scheme.


  1. […] a cop or a fireman as she was convinced I would run into a burning building. The piece I did about Walking into a Bucket of Blood was interpreted by some as funny- it was a serious piece told in a jocular manner. Threat […]


Comments? Questions? Observations?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Rebecca Romney

Rare Book Specialist

Thomas Pluck

die laughing: unflinching stories with heart

Jake Bible Fiction

More Jake Bible than you can probably stand!

Insatiable Booksluts

Observations - From the sharp end

Cat Skull Studio

Shameless Commerce

Interesting Literature

A Library of Literary Interestingness

Lachlan + Cathy

Welcome to the House of Payne

Here She Is Boys

cultural commentary by NYC's Brenda Tobias


Fighting evil with antagonism

The Smartest Guy in the Room

||||| a podcast for dads, non-dads, and other humans |||||

Stephanie Bernaba

Writer | Photographer


Everything is changing.

L R Wicker Design

Playground for the Etsy shop of the same name...

Hiking Photography

Beautiful photos of hiking and other outdoor adventures.

Flash & Filigree

A Serendipitous Partnership

Nitty Gritty Dirt Man

The incredibly true misadventures of a home gardener.

%d bloggers like this: