Be A Guy

Bank Walkers and Locker Room Code

In Be a Guy, Thoughtful- Items I'd Like you to Read on July 26, 2011 at 12:36 pm

In the Peoples Republic of Mass years ago- visiting my brother and his family, I end up going to the pool club w/ my wife, daughter, infant son, Sister-in-Law, nephew and infant niece.
As we are getting ready to leave, the babies are with the mommies and my nephew and I are in the men’s locker room. I’m a little peeved because, evidently, if I weren’t here this 8 year old would be in the women’s room.

There are two types of guys- The Bank Walkers, as they say in Texas, are guys who are unashamed about their nakedness. My father was a bank walker; as are my brother and I, so are my sons.
[Evidently, LBJ was a bank walker. I picked up the term from an interview with one of his aides. It’s a reference to while most boys would hide their nakedness and enter & leave the creek as close as possible to their clothes “bank walkers” would strut up and down looking for a better place to dive in or to show off their manhood. LBJ may be the all time bank walker. He would leave the door to the bathroom in the Oval Office and insist his aides continue conversations while he took a shit. That’s a little too intimate for me.]

The rest of the guys may or may not be sissies- at one time I thought they might be latent homosexuals and were worried about hiding nascent erections caused by being around other naked men. Years later I ended up utilizing a gym in Soho where I was one of the few straight guys and noted there were walkers and hiders in that crew, too. And this was a place where the steam room was closed by order of the health department and there were signs in the locker room advising that sex would not be tolerated Say what you want about me for this next observation, it is based on observation- but then I don’t maintain eye contact with strange men- I watch their center of gravity and hands, where an attack will originate. There are bank walkers with bull pizzles and with peckers like a scared turtle.

But I digress.
We’re in the locker room and I tell him to drop his suit near our locker- we don’t care about being naked- and don’t wrap his towel around his wet body so it will be dry after he showers.
We get out of the shower, go back to our locker, and I put my shorts on first. And my nephew starts in with his T-shirt. I’m dressed in maybe a minute and he’s still dicking around with his T-shirt. So I ask what he’s doing and he hems and a haw a bit until I ask hasn’t your Father taught you anything?
“First thing you do is put on your pants. There are two theories about this:
1- if the place catches fire you can walk right out with your money and car keys.
2- If there is some guy scoping your package in here you don’t want to lead him on.
Next you put your shoes on:
1- if you’re leaving in a fire, shoes are handy.
2- You don’t know what’s growing on the floor here.
Then your shirt is last.
And another thing is that we must hurry up because whatever else happens when your Mom and Aunt come out of their locker room, job one is to be sitting outside and ask them “What took you so long?”
I hear a gentle voice ask me “Does he really need to hear that kind of thing?” I turn and consider this character, maybe 5 years older than I, which makes him prime hippie age, in a “Save the Whales” T-shirt , for all I know he might be my brother’s neighbor, and reply “Yes I think he does. This is how it was explained to me and it’s worked out pretty well and I intend to have harsh words with my brother about him not knowing this. And now I’m going outside with my nephew and discuss what it might or might not mean when a stranger strikes up a conversation in the locker room”.

Have you ever had an uncomfortable interaction with a guy who is 1/2 a hippie in a locker room?
Is it possible that I was over-reacting to his non hetero-normative opinion?
Was LBJ sexually abusive?

Am I secretly gay because I noticed gay guys weren’t hitting on me?
It has been suggested that I don’t get a lot of traffic because I don’t engage my audience.
[What audience?]
Were I to ask questions at the end of my pieces I would get more referrals.
[Ladies have you ever jumped a guy’s bones because he owned a chainsaw?]
If I were to speak to my insecurities I might get more interactions.
[Is it possible that my hammering is symptomatic of the toxic male’s inability to communicate unless it is in a percussive manner?]
And I don’t ask nicely.
[Please stroke my ego by adding a comment and pave the way to my appearance on the Daily Show by sharing this.]



  1. […] Like you to Read on September 3, 2012 at 12:03 am This is an updated & expanded version of an earlier piece of the same name. This version originally appeared in The Good Men Project which has given me an oppurtunity to […]


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